WARNING: If you're in a good mood don't read this shit, chances are it'll make you sad and I might be an asshole but I want most people to be happy.
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Does anyone know that feeling of complete hatred towards december month? The only good thing during this month is; Food, sometimes the gifts and when it's over. I hate nothing more than having to spend time with your family when all damn year we try to avoid each other and suddenly they all become all christmas crazy. Wtf is up with that? Christmas was great once, go back to before my grandmother died and I loved christmas there because she was there to make sure people treated each other good. Every year there's one of us who just go to their room because they're being assholes. My brother did it in like.. 2010 or 2011? I went to my room the next year or somehing. Why? Because they were being assholes.
This year was just dull and boring, I spend most of the night sitting with my aunt's cat who seems to have a strange liking to me. We got home early -which I did not mind at all- and I just went back to the things I always do; Sit and stare at the computer screen trying to figure out what to do. I always end up watching videos to forget the fact that I have no one to do anything with. It would be nice of people wanted to play games on Steam or some shit but I don't think I have that many people who wants to play with me. I miss having friends whom I talked to more than just once every fucking week. But I guess I that is my own fault for ditching a person who clearly started to hate/ avoid me for not believing in his god. I suppose being such a negative person really leaves people to hate you too. Sorry for being ditched by people I called friends and then turned out as a cranky old shit.
I just wish that I was one of those lucky people who likes life and feels good even if their lives sucks ass. I am not, but if you are one of those I can say that I am truely impressed and that I admire your positivity. I am however just.... well I guess I am just me.
I don't give a shit about anything, I find myself caring less and less about other people around me, even if it's people who are my friends or people I love. Being a person who can't even hold on to friends online is kind of... sad. But I guess when you never talk to them or write almost every day you just seem to drift away by yourself. I don't mind anymore, if people write I respond. I don't find much joy in talking to anyone anymore unless we actually keep talking instead of the conversation just suddenly stops and dies.
I like talking to my friends about funny things but it always goes over to negative things and that really dosen't help my life either. So I guess that's why I like being alone these days, I can laugh at stupid videos and play video games and have a great time with that. When I get on my computer I just get reminded about the fact that people have friends and talk to them daily and I just sit in a dark corner, watching them having fun and wondering when that will happen to me again. I know I should be happy but I am not.
I watch people have a great time like a creepy stalker. I stay in the background and leave them to their lives, leave them to their happiness. I don't want to take it away from them when I know I don't have much of it left in me. So I do what's right for them and let them have a good time.
I know people are going to write all kinds of stupid things about that not being true but we all know it is. Also don't suggest to want to start talking to me and then after a week we stop talking again, it gives me false hopes of actually getting back into having fun with other living beings again.
Also new year's eve coming up, it's going to be horrible for many reasons.